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A heavy mind, a heavy heart, makes for a weary man. I may possibly overthink myself to death this time
It is quite hauntingly scary to make decisions sometimes.
Being busy at this point in time, I guess, is good. I avoid thinking. And unnecessary thinking at this point is severely destructive. My close friends are indispensable. That is proving to be a problem at this point in time. Oh well, event day T-13 days. I’m so gonna rock it. I hope.
it dawned on me yesterday, that i am not one that is excitable about it set in. im moving out, to live with her in a house with others i know moments of cold aloneness drew out the almost dead writer in me. and i i do know that there's doubt in me. which i realised it seem to be more of had something happened to me along the years that has changed what i used i frankly wish i knew. the irony is that the more things i know and learn this post helped in no way to affirm myself of anything, except in the
change.
nothing of. except that apparently everybody in there is malaysian(i think
we are overcrowding this poor island).
feel the want to write again. for what, i dunno.
doubt in myself than anything. while i remain so positive about so many
things, why am i so pessimistic about something that i used to be so
optimistic about?
to think, what i am saying? i maintain an optimistic opinion about it in
general yet i am pessimistic when looking at myself.
and do, the less sure i am of anything about myself. and im supposed to
head into life in charge. how?
fact that i am unsure.
it appears, that my restlessness might be due to me not wanting to move. despite being all gungho about being able to move at a drop of a hat, i
think i may not be all that strong inside after all
why is it that years always sound so far away in the future, yet years of awkward, unhappy, angry, beloved...moments. yet theyre all easily is it because we've gone through the past so it affirms us that we are who lately i actually feel a lil less optimistic than i used to be. somehow this post started out having potential to be deep. then i started sigh i dunno. directionless again.
the past feel so close?
remembered and feels... recent. when theyre in the past that is. but think
about the same amount of time frame into the future and, even if you
actually have an inkling of what is to come, you feel weird about it.
true, theres times when you are excited about it cos the positivity just
delights you. but more often than not i think most of us are just
constantly nervous and slightly fearful, if ever at all, of the future.
we are now, having gone through that? that sense of familiarity, the
certainty of knowing..is that what makes pasts...not scary? to not know is
to be afraid isnt it? or so i think.
maybe the anxiety of getting a job actually is getting to me. never known
stress till this point ever in my life. yet she's shown me that she is
optimistic about everything. and it makes me feel a bit sad knowing that i
am pessimistic about anything, then perked up...knowing her optimism is
gonna help us through it all.
listening to songs and playing games. blah hahaha.
obligatory post to keep this blog alive :)
posted by the child on 10:16 AMneedless to say my mind isnt exactly blank. loads of things as per usual, some which ive really felt i could write on. anticipating the future never has been quite as fun, or hopeful, as it is
but projects/games/her means i have not much time left for anything really
:)
now
most frightening, this thing time. ive never felt so...constrained before. despite the fact my timetable is am i tired? am i stressed? i really wonder. ive never felt stress before. i'm going to have to be an adult soon. a job, find a place to live, career which is it? man i havent felt my brain needing to think about so many
so...blank.
ive always managed to shrug it off somehow and just...i dunno, live the
moment. maybe i think this is it. there's no more living the moment after
this.
progression. the rat race. the whole shebang. i think maybe i really feel
the whole gravity of the situation now. or maybe im trying to take on too
much responsibility, again.
things in a long time. though, i have to say i am quite happy. but no. no
more living in the moment. responsibility looms. what a bitch!
lala, waffles, putu piring, chicken rice balls, satay, cendol, burger ayam
convert, pasar malam food, pie tee, penang laksa, duyong ikan bakar, roti
terbang, oh jian, wan tan mee, chee cheong fun, nai yiu bao~
ive not written in a long time ive been preoccupied, in a good way i guess. explains my absence, i guess. but at times like today, being christmas eve and all, is a time best spent who's to know what the future holds. its been 2 years, since i last had and now i sound so sad, which i kinda am. but i actually feel hopeful now, at the rate things go, i seem to lose more people than i gain. but i am i just wish, i truly do, things go well for everybody around me.
with that one person you cant get enough of. and i would have thought that
i'd be fine, but i also thought that i wouldnt be sitting alone in my room.
someone at my side. and this feeling is even worse, knowing that theres
someone there, just right barely outside of your grasp. but she's there,
and you pretty much cant do anything short of extreme actions like flying
over spontaneously.
despite how much of a mess the last 2 years have been for me. nothing has
gone smoothly for me in a long time. things never go how i hope they
would. but this is one thing i really, really hope does go the way i hope
it would. i really cant imagine how i'll pull through 2011 if it goes bad.
i have almost no one left.
hopeful. even more so than the year before.
merry christmas folks, be merry, hopeful, and joyfully tipsy(or drunk, or
high. choose your poison)
[EDIT] YAY! im not that alone! the internet is the best thing ever!!! [/EDIT]
they say sadness does not last. for it will give way to happiness. can we also conclude that happiness never lasts? hmm.
still the rain. calm the heart. stir the passion.
im alive.
the silence. the stillness. the calm. it is all so surreal. is it really true?
life will not change when we want it to. but it changes when we will it to. we all have things we wish to protect. sometimes, at the very core the i am unable to be a person who lives with his heart shown to the world. i to find someone you can bare your heart to, you have to suffer the pain of
most important thing we want to protect is at our very self. and thats our
heart. and we tend to armor coat it. or even more, like myself.
have no idea what or who i am to attribute this over cautiousness to, but
i do know it somewhat is a big problem. who wants to go and get to know
someone who doesnt want to be known right?
the numbers who are not the ones to see your heart. or so it seems to be.
though at the moment, it seems i cannot do so. oh well
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