12.11.09

more and more, i wish what i had said in my previous post could be true.

more so on the one that records your brain...because i sometimes think
about so many things, or some things that are so complicated to think
about...that i find trouble putting it into words to be said at a later
point.

why do i have to be such a thinker, when i have nobody to share my
thoughts with? sigh

11.11.09

spy cam

wonder what would life be like if it were possible to attach a camera to
someone's eye?

or even better, a device that records your thoughts into data you can
re-view on your computer. how cool...

--
Using Opera's revolutionary e-mail client: http://www.opera.com/mail/

9.11.09

the mask(s)

question to all, how many of my faces have you seen?

somehow, i think i am using multiple personalities to help me get by the days. there was once days that i did not feel the need for me to have walls. so why do i feel the need now? i have friends who like to know im okay. yet why do i continue to keep up this facade that im so strong and dont want to be helped?

why am i such a stubborn ass that i refuse to ask for help till when i nearly drown?

8.11.09

predated post

im pretty thankful for the fact that the mind thinks faster than bodies can act/react, or is physically possible

cos im pretty sure i would do stupid things like run all the way to a foreign country to say hi to a friend cos i suddenly thought of them. or send someone to the skies for blocking my way when i walk(would they still be blocking my way if i was capable of walking at super speed or flyin?). or i dunno what else...kinda have many things on my mind recently.

one would think that there should be some limit to how many things a brain can juggle simultaneously, but then i'd liken my brain to Hyper Threading Technology™ (yes i looked it up on the Character Map to prevent Intel from bringing me to court. i are afraid of laws [insert sad face])...hopping from one idea/thought/issue to another constantly

also one would imagine there would be a strain on sanity/mental health from having so many things to do/consider at the same time. then again, ive managed to set an amazingly busy pace of life, that i once never imagined i would be capable of living. is that a sign of how much ive changed?

ive known...i change constantly. ferreting out things i dont like about myself. getting myself to change it. some friends are quite amazed that im capable of getting myself to change things within a short frame of time. and i think its good and all that im capable of it...but, am i ever going to stop? to some extent, i believe in "there's always room for improvement". then i think back of what ive said about how humanity has progressed, and is now progressing at an exponential speed due to technology's help. humanity is not about to stop progressing, and is taking nature's health along with it for a wild crazy ride that may not have a nice corner for nature to recover from nausea. likewise, am i going to take changing myself so seriously to the point that i alter into this person that's never really himself at any one point?

am i going to MAKE a schizophrenic personality out of myself?


reading this post would make it clear to most of you why a lot of people wouldnt be able to keep up with me should i be having a conversation where filters between head and mouth is not available. hence, please do keep me away from having too much liquor cos it seems to have that effect on me. or a triple shot of espresso. or quad, or quin, which ever would pique my curiosity.

now thats something i could never change...my god damned curiosity. a number of friends have already been (un)fortunate to be in my company when i go along with an idea that comes out of curiosity (added with a nice twist of stupid optimism and a just-nice touch of "that sounded like a good idea..at that moment"-moment). and since i can never be without myself, i too have been pulled into that nice bit of (mis)fortune.

and after typing so much, i suddenly...lost track of anything else i wanted to say. well, not so much lost track as cant decide what i want to say now.

despite all the changes, some things never change. like how i hate my father. and myself. and im suddenly...rather depressed. i cant even keep a mood for long, heh. so much for optimism...

29.10.09

very random post

hear the sounds
and wonder, where do we fit in?
ponder, what are we made for?
pity the one who knows not
you who knows you know not knows more

bridging worlds once unfathomable
i wonder to what extent will we go
respecting not the way nature is meant to be
the deplorable state of the earth shall
haunt us to no end
dismayed at us
annoyed at what we do
yet i can do nothing

Everybody could use an olive branch.

Inspiration for change, no?

25.10.09

spooked

500 days of summer was scary.

scary in the lines that i heard, the situations, the male lead's feelings.
i almost felt like yelling, "man, i feel you".

well ill be damned but im still sleepy after knocking out for 12 hours

21.10.09

slopes

i wonder, if its an uphill slope im on now..or has it suddenly turned into
a downhill slope...again?

19.10.09

what is happiness without satisfaction?

i can feel happiness...

but i am in no way satisfied with my life, nor the way its going.

...sigh.

15.10.09

im in a rotten mood.

8.10.09

sip sip

as one being fortunate enough to have the opportunity to be able to enjoy
a nice bourbon coke and read a novel on the 26th floor while enjoying the
sounds of a fountain and the city unwinding, i'd say its quite the way to
chill out.

and after the book is done (The Lost Symbol btw, and it's incredible.
thanks guys for the gift :D), i had time to just...sit there, in my head.
and think.

its funny, when you're sleepy (only 3 hours of sleep does that to you i
guess), and the weather is nice...you can sort of hang in this limbo
between nodding off and being just drowzy. and you may start to wonder if
you're dreaming of things, or are you really thinking about it. i guess at
some point its one and the same since your dreams are often what you are
thinking of, or thought of during the day. which goes to say a lot since i
dont usually have dreams (effectively equating me not thinking at all
during the day :P)...

...anywayyyyyy, after digressing so much...i cant remember much of what i
wanted to say also.

but i still remember 1 bit at least.

dont try and fight the current. you'll end up at the destination anyhow,
the only difference being the state you arrive in. this is metaphorical of
course, or using a new word i prefer now, it is shrouded in allegory :D

i wonder sometimes how many people can catch what i really do mean, hidden
under what i'm saying

7.10.09

knowledge

to know that you do not know, and to realise that you are not lost but
merely not knowing of where you are headed...

that is the sign that you should have your eyes wide open and minds
receptive to change and new ideas.

im trying hard...

6.10.09

eh..er..

dissidia vs crisis core vs the lost symbol vs greys anatomy vs boston legal

what to doooooooooo?! D:

2.10.09

obligatory...

birthday post. heh

so another year has passed. hmm. meh.

outlook on life changed a bit. come and gone, but some still remain.
people that i call friends, you lot know who you are. you make life worth
living :D

23.9.09

ouch

good god, who knew passing out could hurt so much.

one moment you're walking to the toilet cos you feel like throwing up,
next you get this thought "oh this aint good"..and suddenly, you're on the
floor sitting up against a wall head leaning..upper lip cut and aching and
you cant figure out how you got there.

you find yourself, gasping for breath, head spinning, heart pumping
excessively, and wishing you could feel better soon. much like a break up
lol

21.9.09

pooh pooh!

humans..are contradictory. cant remember if ive ever said it before...

it seems that the capability to create and be ingenious has also made us
such complexities that we never fail to complicate matters which are
essentially simple. "guided" by our ethics and principles..we try to make
sense of the situation, and justify them in what that decision brings us.
some even take it so far as to try and consider how others will benefit
from it, or more accurately, how they think others will benefit from it if
ever at all.

furthermore, oftentimes we do not see the positives till we go thru the
negatives. one may not know what happiness can be, till they have gone
thru pain...know not what is a wrong decision without having first made a
bad decision.

how do we live? in olden days, births often came at the loss of the
mother's life. medical science took care of that. but it seems for every
progress we make, we also go backwards in one way, or more sometimes as
cases may be. retrospectively speaking, we were more human when science
and professions had not reached their peak. as we learn more, make more,
take more...we create more gray areas. and our humanity, will drive us to
correct it by doing something else to attempt to govern it, or justify the
means by the end.

we like control, dont we? and when something cannot be controlled, we try
to alienate it..or worse still, eliminate it. preservation has never been
our strong point. at the core of it, we somehow like to see ourselves
moving forward, because we think forward is the right way to go. after
all, gaining is not bad thing..is it? how many people have
considered...said..hey, maybe we had something good going back then and
maybe we should go stick to that?

pooh pooh that bugger and throw him in the prison for being anti-progress
for the good of our humanity!

where exactly am i going with this? hmm...

not a clue really.

we live to achieve our goals, we do not want to stop for fear of failing.
being driven forward by 2 opposing forces which should technically put us
at stalemate, that is truly what being human is about..i think.
at some points, i wonder if my musings are even worth noting. i find it
hard to recognise where i am at this point. i never knew i could survive
at the hectic speed my life is moving at this moment. then again, ive been
used to solidarity thru most of my life and im really just going back to
depending on myself as i have when growing up. so rather, i think im back
at square 1 again. like getting a game over and going back to the start of
the game, only this time knowing what kind of secret move the boss is
gonna use against you..so you have time to prepare.

if only life was a game, eh?