26.4.08
"Growing old is eventual, growing up is optional"
- Some smart jackass
Many ppl know...i'm not a very mature person when it comes to actions. I'm a person that thinks with my heart, not my head when it comes to decisions. No, it doesn't mean that i'm always thinking about my loved ones. On the contrary, i'm one who does just what I feel like doing, not really so much of what I "should do".
When I was in secondary school, it was the opposite.
"You have to study"
"You have to go to tuition"
"You have to do well in exams"And I did everything I had to. I had to, my mom raised me on her own, dad was separated from us due to a fucked up decision he made. Thinking back, the lack of him around kinda matured my thinking a little bit. Responsibility was incalculated out of necessity. And I did it rather well I would say, for that period.
But it all changed when I completed my SPM(O-Level equivalent for those not in the know). Once the exam was over, I ran amok in the months leading up to before me leaving Malaysia for Singapore. Late nights, not being home etc. It was fun. So much fun that I did it incessantly, and since it was just me with friends, it wasn't so bad...or so I thought. Years later, my brother took on my footsteps and run amok too, only he was worse. Logic from his point of view; "Kor kor did it what? Why I cannot?".
Strike 1 for big brotherThen I came to Singapore. For the first time in my life, decisions were all up to me. I had a monthly allowance, and it was truly up to me how to handle my life. Don't feel like going for class, don't go. Bug off and go off to look for entertainment elsewhere..with friends or at home or whatever. Didn't hurt me much, I think. I did my projects well, I think. Then year 3 rolled by and wham-bang-thank-you-ma'am-hello-world, I screwed up. Big time. Take off time, and instead I crash landed. Graduated with a GPA that I disapproved of myself. My mom was happy I graduated, but I know she wished I did better, much better.
Strike 2 for eldest sonSomewhere along my time in Singapore, I met a girl. At first we were just friends, and we got gradually closer, till the point that we were almost more than just good friends. We talked everyday, I gave advice whenever she needed any. Friendly words, help etc. Months, probably a year or more on, something clicked, and I just decided to ask her to be my girlfriend, and she did. I found out she'd liked me for a very long time already but didn't say a word.
We were happy. Everything was a beautiful picture, la vie en rose(French for "A life in rosy hues"). We got incredibly close, but I made mistake after mistake, just purely out of my own stupidity. Before I made that big step, I was very used to thinking about myself. I had nothing to really check about on. My schedule was my own time, and my own purposes. Adjustments had to be made when I had to start to think about her before making any decisions on meeting friends. I had cancelled many times on my friends when I had accidentally made plans with them when I had forgotten I was supposed to meet her. If any of you read this, I really wanna apologize.
And really, I just tried. I tried to make my life revolve around her, try and assure her that I really valued and wanted her to be part of my life. Fall out after fall out, sometimes something new, sometimes something old. Most common pattern; I failed to use my head to think before deciding on something, be it on actions, words or reactions. I hurt her, made her doubt me, worry and lost the one thing I felt was most precious in a relationship, trust. Lost it multiple times, each time getting a bit back. I have no one to blame, I can't expect her to trust me when each action I do causes her to doubt her decision to trust me.
We talk less and less. Instinctively, I'm the one that contacts her daily, when I wake up...I dunno if it's because she's more lax about this as we would contact each other as soon as the other would wake up. It's quite solely up to me to talk to her first everyday first now. I was wondering why it was so, and it hit me today...she wanted me to make her feel that she was the focus of my day. But the issue is, we don't have much to talk about anymore. She doesn't tell me much about her classmates, or what she's done or doing in class. And seeing as how i'm sitting at home doing absolutely nothing, procrasinating, I have nothing to talk about either. We run out of topics and only talk about the only 1 thing we have in common now, Cabal. But she's gotten bored of it already by now. I dunno if it's cause we have so much less interaction than we used to to the point she's aching for attention from me causing her to dislike our common activity. That would be my guess at any rate.
This morning, we had an argument. Due to our miscommunications and problems that have arisen multiple times, she's been thinking of ending both our miseries. What was I to say? It hit me in the face, like a branch on the rebound, to put it in the words of Julien Janvier, the male lead character in Jeux D'enfants, this French movie I just watched this weekend, due to a suggestion by my cousin. I shall talk more of why I mention this movie later.
I spent the remaining hours on bed, thinking, and later falling asleep. I just spent it thinking about what I've done to cause this happening. And I realise, problems; they've always been me. Now I don't know what her decision is. I just sit here and wait, and think.
Strike 3 for understanding boyfriendRegarding the movie, watching and understanding the words of Julien Janvier, made me realise I was somewhat like him in the movie. Everything's a game to me. I never made the effort to grow up. Spending my life playing and procrasinating.
I believe the lines were, "You would think as a child, growing up was easy. You would just ease into it. But no, it hit me in the face like a branch on a rebound".
And its true, at least to me. I've not grown up yet. I'm a 22 year old child, acting like I feel and hurting the people around me without fully realising the consequences. Causing distress and stress to my family. Wasting my life away. The things that have happened today, and watching that movie has changed me somewhat. I only hope that my realisations wouldn't go away by tomorrow morning.
I have a plea for her now. I just want it to last. I don't mind if we start over. No more nonsense. We start again, fresh, as if it was the 1st day we have met. I don't know what she would say about it. I can only give words to try and reassure her. I'm just feeling that useless right now. How would one feel, when it's the 1 person that they've known the best for a long time. Even better than his best friends, or even the oldest friends. The only one who's known him this well, know his weaknesses, his secrets. The only one who's ever bothered to understand him, to entertain his stupidity, and support him when nobody else believes him. And what i've done is driving her away. This time I know, what I did, really did hurt myself.
I want to grow up. It's been a long time coming, I guess.
posted by the child on 11:00 PM
