J'enfant

27.1.10

ramble ramble..

iunno...i usually try to avoid blogging around this time cos coherence and
direction isnt a very strong point when my brain isnt 100% awake. then
again, its also when my brain can be extremely honest in thinking about
the things i try not to think about. THEN AGAIN...its also when i get
rather emotionally turbulent.

or it could just be the lack of sleep talking. never really could tell
which it was. my right eyelid has been twitching on and off the entire
day...and thats a serious signal i know that my body is running low on
energy. yet i cant fall asleep, how odd.

as of late i am still hearing more and more bad news from friends, and i
really do hate hearing about failing relationships...even more so, failed
marriages. recently, just found out that a friend i know from an online
game i used to play is going through separation/divorce. the victim this
time, the young 2 year old boy from their marriage...and to a certain
extent, my buddy as well. wife just upped and left after going clubbing
for a few nights. how wonderful. all this after she spoke to him about
trust and what not...while it reminds me of my past, it also reminds me
that my life just isnt as sucky as anybody's life really could be.

whenever i wanna feel down, i just think how i could be worse off. and it
somehow consoles me, but yet it hurts cos i know a friend out there is
hurting and i cant do a thing about it. and that i didnt even talk to him
recently enough to find out, only to find out from his brother nearly a
month after it had happened. i hope he's coping well. the bastard that
caused this broken marriage seriously deserves a slow painful death, one
befitting anybody who has any intentions that are the same.

ive noticed that i changed. i used to be a realist. face reality...as
brutal as it is, cos you cant run. now, im an optimist. i keep seeing the
bright side of things no matter how i try. its interesting. i think its
true that to some extent, life isnt gonna throw something at you that you
cant handle. picking up the pieces and piecing things back together may
take an awful long time (or in my case, an ongoing process) but just like
anything in life...the journey is more important than the destination.

journeys rock, when you have people pushing you on, pulling you
forward...giving you a pat on the back for a job well done, directions
when you took a wrong turn. spontaneity was never my true strong point,
but im working hard at it. if i could say i once caged myself in, i am now
taking big steps out to do more things. know more. live more.

i know theres a lot more to my life to come, but i kinda wonder how many
people are gonna be in for the whole ride. i also wonder who im gonna meet
on the way. just as important, how many separated paths will be coming
back to join mine?

the future holds many things for us. but i never can doubt how the hope we
carry seems to make expectations seem like nothing. i think humans truly
cannot be anything without hope...thats just what we're filled with. i
hope...

22.1.10

its been like...so it shouldnt..but it still does..
i know i am...and thus conclusion is i should not be..
so it still leads me to...why?

seriously, why the fuck is it so hard to understand yourself?

additionally, i read this book on zen. it says, to be zen, you cannot
believe in the concept of dualism, for there is nothing except for what is
in your mind, e.g you see a tree for a tree, not a tree with beautiful
leaves set in the grounds of a beautiful forest. i dont get it. thats
probably why im not enlightened. so i was thinking, how the hell can i
achieve absolute zen, while still believing in the concept of dualism..or
am i just doomed to live my life and continuously argue with my self about
philosophy to never attain enlightenment?

guess so, sigh

21.1.10

impossibility

my thoughts will just wander off somewhere randomly(i think most who read
my blog already realised this by now), and then i forget what i originally
wanted to talk about.

was in kinokuniya yesterday and spent a while checking out random books
cos i had time to kill while waiting...and looked at quite a bit of travel
guides, and thought to myself ; How cool would it be if i were *paid* to
travel then review the places and write guides and what not. i'd need to
start practising my writing, most of all, staying on the bloody topic.

but liewcx says, being a travel show host would be even better off. but
you'd need one heck of a personality for it, imo. like e.g. ian wright,
that man's nutters. he's like me..only permanently high on liquor (and
occasionally weed, says she) and my idea at that time was, lugging around
a bottle of liquor everywhere i travelled hahaha. dont seem too bad is it?
theres bound to be a DFS at any airport. well weed is something else, but
i reckon after being completely nuts for a while, i think the liquor
induced high would probably never taper off...tho i dunno if that'd be
such a good thing. dont know if any friends will wanna (read: dare) to
hang out with me after that.

but hell yea..it'd be so cool if i could be. maybe i will. who knows? you
might hear me opening a new blog soon (one which hopefully doesnt run all
over the place like my mind does)

11.1.10

daydreaming

Part 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tgx8wpr6-eY&fmt=18
Part 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SDOz65cst24&fmt=18

a very melancholic short. very worth your time.

note, this is one of those things you do not just watch. you listen. you
think. you absorb.
an experience

--
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7.1.10

2010!

....and i have nothing in particular to say. lol

well actually theres plenty of things going on in my mind, but not all
which i want to put on this blog. like how its rather funny that a quiz
thingie on facebook said that i'd be capable of murder if pushed too far.
not funny? hmm...maybe it is because i think i could be capable of it :P

then again...i wouldnt just commit murder for the sake of it. not that
demented....(yet?) :D

this is turning out to be rather nonsensical and unbelievable isnt it? im
almost making it sound as if im talking to some crowd that reads this
blog...but, i could probably count the readers with the fingers on 1 hand.

ah well, theres is to an extent, no certainty to anything in life. and to
that, its an impossibility to prepare for everything that could go
wrong...though you could assume that anything that could go wrong, will go
wrong as it often does. but i am certain for the decisions ive made.

most who read my blog probably have no reason to take note of this but,
for whatever reason, do not ever consider crossing my path. ever...