J'enfant

28.6.10

hope

and time to time, more often than id like, it gets crushed, and then
renewed.

this mask is getting heavier by the day

26.6.10

paperweight

you know, drama-ish, introspective and melancholic stuff.
and after all, im ever so quotable so i think it would be a good fit for a
job wouldnt it?

at times, i think its something good. that i can think about things in
such a manner, and then somehow, be able to translate my views and ideas
in way thats intelligible to people.
then again, these kind of thoughts are the heaviest. and you carry them
around with you all the time. unlike other things, you dont share them.
you find someone you can talk about it with. then you still dont share it.

you lay it out on a table. you both dissect it, discuss it. then you wrap
it up and take it with you. as much as you've let that person into your
life, this is your mind that you've just opened to them, and all they
leave with is the knowledge that such a thought had existed, and it
belongs to this person that trusted them enough to let them in. yet
they'll never be a part of it.

that is the sad thing about life. that loneliness we feel, its
psychological. you know that there are people who care for you, deeply
even. that may even endanger their lives for you. but you'll still feel
lonely, when you arent content, because of that small void. that person
you feel you could bare your soul to, and still feel warm. and even then
at times, you may feel that there are times that you may feel out of
place, or unbelonging, which is a form of loneliness, even when you have
that person in your life.

so why do we feel this loneliness?

the lore goes we were born of one made into 2. and it was not their choice
to be 2. so is it fair to say that humans then had not felt the need for a
companion? or is it that he had not known what a companion really is, and
thus could not miss something he did not know? because as time passed,
humans all felt the need to belong. to have something to identify with.
was this feeling of loneliness something that we created, just like all
the other concepts we made to measure things in our realm?

i am human. i am asian. i am malaysian.

they are identities. but do i need these identities to live? do i need an
identity on an even more micro scale, to feel complete? if i did have that
identity on a micro scale, would it make me feel complete?

here i am, wrapped in my cocoon. procrastinating coming out. because i
cant make out what i am supposed to be or what is waiting for me.

22.6.10

sleep. BAH!

you know..the one that makes me want to write stuff. what did you think i
meant?

and not withstanding the fact that i actually had nothing to write about,
i got laura to pick something for me to talk on...and hopefully from there
i conjure up some of my magic and make something out of nothing(isn't
necessarily a good thing, now is it?)

memory. those little things, you carry with you. curious things these
memories. vivid, blurry, obscure maybe, changed. possibilities of each
type. denial will make you change a memory simply for the sake of making
you feel better for yourself. its like that little lego boat you built
when you were young. you didnt like the default toy man they gave you, or
woman or whichever. so you swopped it out for your fav figurine.

does that figurine belong there? well you put it there. what prompted you
to put it there? the need to exercise that right to wield control on what
you can, maybe.

lack of sleep may alter your memories.

being half asleep, in limbo, is a pretty funky place. ive said it before i
think. a very thin and blurry line between just a dream, and a serious
thought. not like it makes a difference to me, i think about my day dreams
plenty.
so can you justify that, because you prefer that dream, you'd like your
memory to be more like it?

to make more out of nothing, isn't an equal relationship isnt it? the
universe is meant to be equal, sitting on a tipping scale too large to
imagine, balancing itself.
does that mean, we are balancing out something on the other side?

as expected, totally derailed. i think i have put off sleep too long.

20.6.10

but i'll still always be a nice guy.

maybe cos im just masochistic, reveling as it happens.

but. oh well.
sighs

13.6.10

its rather apparent how i would prefer to live my life. blech