J'enfant

14.10.10

disillusionment

whats the point ? i never really get anywhere. its just a chunk of
questions that lead to more questions when i think about it. these endless
amount of questions lead me to believing ive never known anything at all.

fact of the matter is, principles now seem to be pointless. whats the use
of a principled man? he never wavers, yes. but he also isnt flexible.
wheres the room for negotiation? is that really black or is it just a very
dark grey?

truth is i think there is no more white and black in this world. it's all
grey. everything. absolutely every damn thing. and to add on, each of us
wears glasses of a different tint. some that lightens tones too it seems.

where does a principled man stand? he stands boldly in front, proclaims
his stand. and gets all the dislike for being opinionated and inflexible.
the community here scares me. there's no tolerance. a seemingly endless
lack of empathy. people who can be so entirely self absorbed and full of
pride.

how can one even have a friendship here? one of the most simple, and
powerful bonds that people can have...i find that it is really hard to
make them here. is it singaporeans? scorpios? singaporean scorpios? i'll
never know i think. everytime i choose to fully open myself up to let
someone really know me, it is almost confirmed i will lose that person.
that just leads me to believe that i cannot be honest, or i'd have no
close friends.

is it that my ideology of friendship is so obscure that nobody else would
subscribe to it? i find that hard to believe as i have found some like
minded individuals. but the process of finding these individuals is so
tormenting. and now at this juncture where i am asking so many questions,
i find myself utterly lost. before, i at least had my beliefs. now it
seems my beliefs may not even be worth anything. is this true
disillusionment? am i heading towards apathy?

i am even finding it hard to pour words on this white screen, despite how
it can keep me awake for hours almost every night. to what extent, do i
need to change? am i that broken? would i fit in if i did change that much
then? do i even want to fit in? what do i really want? answers? to which
question? who can answer them?

what is joy? how am i going to derive this..joy? am i going to find it
when i find a job and new friends? will i even find a job? what am i doing
with my life? where am i heading? so many questions...so many questions.

and then. i just feel disconnected and unwanted.